It started tonight at work, when some of the kids were being royal pains in the ass. Oh and, by the way, the day after I blogged that last one, some boys, including "stan" were involved in a very spiteful act against me. And another kid told me my calm voice was antagonizing him. Whatever.
I read this Amy Adams/Meryl Streep interview the other day and Adams said something great about wasting her whole 20's looking for that special person. I think she's spot-on. Women's lib has come a long way, but ladies, I think we settle it a lot of ways. And it makes me cranky to wonder if I'm falling into that trap. The ideal for the female life should not be to find Mr. Wonderful and have a fabulous career while we're at it (because, yes, we've moved forward and career is now included in the package). I want to be enough by myself. That nonsense about meeting the person who completes you makes me throw up. It should be more like, "I'm complete, but life is a whole lot more interesting with you around." I'm frustrated because I think I AM enough and that I should really enjoy this semi-carefree time of life. So why, then, do I still wish I had someone to share it with? Now, let's not get carried away. I definitely am not ready for anything serious...some recent events only reinforced that. Just "a more significant companion" as someone recently put it. But.
My work schedule limits me to relationships I already have because I don't have the right time slots to go make new ones. And all my relationships have changed, anyway, leaving me feeling like one more appointment everyone has to cram into a slot. So I'm cranky. Cranky that I feel like a little life raft floating in a big ocean...caught in between the religious ideals that used to help me interpret life, and the big question mark that leaves everything open. Feeling like I'm everywhere and nowhere and too much and not enough.
Sounds quite dramatic, but cranky is the perfect word, because it's just that. A temporary emotion that usually gets better after enough consecutive nights of good sleep. And knowing that other people will be subjected to my embarassing psychobabble is a great way to send myself off to bed.
Trying to put together my desk chair and failing also makes me cranky.
1 comment:
now that I can afford stamps expect a long over-due letter very soon... sorry, i've been broke for awhile, like, really, truly, broke.
but it hasn't been bad.
oh, and you are right in quite a few ways, it should be 'i'm complete, and you're a lot of fun to have around' or something to that effect....but still, in another sense, we aren't complete without others, and i don't mean that strictly in the sense of romantic stuff at all, just relationships in general. We all need each other, and it's a good thing.
as for being cranky, it's good to know you're human. : ) but hopefully things have gotten a little better.
you know i've found that being broke, semi-homeless, and unemployed is easily worth the trade off for finding a group of people who are now family. It's so worth it. I hope you have the time at some point to just be able to hang out with all your friends and not have to schedule them in. that doesn't sound fun. Hey thanks for always being there, I'm rambling now so i should stop.
love ya
pip
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